In between sessions of following Willow Smith’s twitter updates and snorting crack cocaine out of a hookers ass last night I started to explore the desolate, coyote filled, tumbleweed-strewn wasteland that is online blogging and I couldn’t help but notice a few strange similarities between the blogging world and a post apocalyptic nightmare.
You see a good post apocalypse tale focuses on the strange characters one meets on the long road to redemption/safety/the last hustler magazine in existence. It is these characters that breathe life into the grey (and it is always grey), barren landscape.
It’s a world full of desperate singletons, a guy in a large black trench coat with a penchant for human spleens and taking your fucking shoes, that dude who got hit with a massive dose of radiation (when whatever weird apocalyptic shit went down) whose indiscernible grumbling sounds something worryingly like ‘purty’ and ‘mouth’ and douche bags who would steal your can of bake beans the minute you ducked out for a quick wank with the hustler magazine you worked so hard to get.
Indeed like the post apocalyptic world the blogging world is a place fraught with danger and poor grammar. It too has its fair share of wandering strangers and in the spirit of learning and helping my fellow man I thought I’d give a brief description of some of the different types of blogger I have encountered on my journey.
The Rage Quitter
Constantly trawling the Internet for anything that remotely offends them this spiteful individual asks the questions that need to be asked and fights the fights that need to be fought.
How to spot one: Addicted to cheez-its, they give off the faint smell of sour milk and shattered dreams.
The Fashionista
The Internet’s answer to the scavenger those who run fashion blogs make a living tearing the rotten flesh out of the limp form of creativity.
How to spot one: A picture can tell a thousands words and if a blog has a thousand pictures its most likely a fashion blog. Models and items of clothing are dead giveaways.
The Writer
These bastards love imagery. Artistic integrity is an afterthought and writing about anything other than old people sitting in the city square feeding pigeons and staring meaningfully into the ‘gargantuan abyss’ is so not cool.
How to spot one: Pretentious prose and douchey fonts.
So where do you fit in? What kind of blogger are you and if everything in the real world went to hell what kind of survivor would you be? (P.S. You’ve got a purty mouth!)
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